The pivotal moment when I knew that I needed to change everything and revaluate all my beliefs and career goals.

I realise that life sometimes throws things at you that you just weren’t expecting, but this year for me has been well, most unexpected. After a tough couple of years, trying to figure out just who the hell I am now-a-days and what I am doing aside from being a wife and mother, I’ll be honest I have really struggled to find a conclusive answer. That was until I made contact with an old best friend, through facebook.

Her life had taken a completely different road to mine and yet here we both were doing a little bit of soul searching our paths seem to be crossing at the right time. It was about 7 months ago and I find it so weird how fate just sends the right people to step forward and enter your life, like they knew it was their time to enter on the stage.  My friend was having the worst time any of us can imagine, her father was very ill and had been for quite some time. Very sadly he passed away in May 2011, his funeral was going to be the first time I had seen her or her family in 15 years or so. The only thing I was nervous about was saying the wrong thing on the day and unintentionally upsetting someone…but I had to and wanted to be there, more than anything.

Could not find a parking spot for love nor money and bombed it down the road in my rather unfit state to get there on time.  Hot, flustered and in a somewhat surreal state I took my place near the back of the church.  The service started and I began to read the order of service, opening the front cover I read the following:

You and I live on a frontier. We call it ‘the present’, and it seems familiar and relatively stable; but in reality it is an ever moving boundary in time, separating the end of a rapidly receding past from the beginnings of an unknown future. It is a fleeting thing which is gone almost as soon as it arrives. Yet that instant of time, which divides all that has happened from all that is to come, is where we experience every moment of our mortal existence. We are forever bidding goodbye to our former selves and beginning the rest of our lives. Our journey in futurity is precipitate, inescapable and irreversible; we are captives in the stream of time.

(My friend’s Dad, 1992)

When I read this, I was so shocked that (friend’s Dad) had written this.  The last time I saw him I was just 17 or 18 so I excuse myself partially for being somewhat ignorant as to his interests, but I had no idea how awe inspiring this man was, his inspirations, aspirations or anything that meant much to him apart from his beautiful family. For years he opened the front door to me, always made me feel welcome and was always a jovial character.

The service started and the first hymn was ‘How Great Thou Art’, this is one of the few hymns I actually know, but on this day, I think it was the first day I have ever truly understood and absorbed the meaning of this hymn. I have to state that I am not religious in the slightest, but the experience of being there hearing this song belted out in a church was possibly one of the most uplifting and awe inspiring moments of my life….you know that whoever wrote this hymn was just in love with the world so much that they could hardly contain themselves. Just read the words………

Oh Lord my God, when I in awesome wonder
Consider all the works thy hand hath made,
I see the stars, I hear the mighty thunder,
thy power throughout the universe displayed:

Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to thee,
How great thou art, How great thou art!
Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to thee
How great thou art, how great thou art!

When through the woods and forests glades I wander,
and hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees;
when I look down from lofty mountain grandeur,
and hear the brook, and feel the gentle breeze;

But when I think that God, his Son not sparing,
sent him to die – I scarce can take it in
that on the cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and to take away my sin;

When Christ shall come with shout of acclamation
and take me home – what joy shall fill my heart!
then shall I bow in humble adoration,
and there proclaim: My God, how great thou art!

If you were to play this hymn to a David Attenborough Planet Earth episode, you’d be kind of getting the essence of how I felt.

What a full soul this person must have had, I think there have been moments in all our lives where we have been overwhelmed with joy, inspiration, euphoria. I don’t think any of these moments ever came from ‘retail therapy’ or through watching a film…but through the beauty of nature…life and love. The most common is the birth of your first child, or any of your children, laughing until your stomach hurts, playing in snow for the first time…..that kind of thing.  At that very moment this song was being sung, when I knew how sad my friend was at losing her amazing and beloved father, I was totally overcome myself. Getting bleary eyed as I write this now even.

Next came the history of Jxxx’s life, he was a scientist and he worked for British Gas, specialising in ovens. He was a purist and believed that you could build a product that would last a lifetime, he was right the cooker in his house is still standing and working today! But he became disheartened by his work and career when they lost the ideals of the 50’s and 60’s and started to introduce a product life span in the 1970’s, once they realised there would be no repeat business for products…why would they want to do themselves out of money, let’s screw up the world instead? As I was hearing this fascinating life story, all that kept running through my mind was, I never knew him and I wish he was here to speak with me now…I wanted to talk to him about all his views, I wanted him to educated me now that I was listening. But it was obviously too late, this made me feel even sadder. I felt exactly the same way when I worked at Sony, it was my dream job and it totally sucked, I was doing no good in my role and I had a huge design budget that meant nothing to the world….I have never felt more worthless in my whole life.

Not only was he a very clever man, he was ahead of his time in light years, whilst my parents were busy gutting their home every few years with new carpets, gadgets and general consumables and useless crap from the 80’s. John was busy mending and making do, fixing his children’s toys when they broke and preserving his house rather than just improving it. If one of my toys broke, it was either tough luck or wait til next Christmas. This was his lifestyle choice, because he knew his way was better and more intelligent. Yet he never inflicted these views on anyone, to my knowledge anyway, unless they enquired. He was a humble and charming man who never, ever sang his own praises, what a pity he didn’t. So I thought I would instead.

I see so clearly now why he made those life choices and I feel privileged to have sat and listened to his amazing life story, but the feelings that overcame me that sunny afternoon have haunted me for the past 7 months too. I came home that day feeling like I never went to school, I felt like a total ignorant twonk. I started to cringe if I bought the children cheap plastic toys, I started to evaluate my home and how much stuff I have taken to the tip over the years, without even thinking about recycling it myself….I think I just woke up to my environmental responsibilities.

Jxxx unknowingly planted the seed to start this site and I hope I do his memory honour by powering on to spread the word about environmental responsibility, education and choices. I feel I need to speak up and wise up, I think we all do, we are at a pivotal moment and we all know the earth is living on borrowed time, unless we change our ways. Boring as it is to many, but if I can be turned round to admitting this, I don’t see why anyone else can’t.  I’m selfish, ignorant and I use way too many resources  – there I said it. But I’m trying to change.

To my friend, thank you for being part of my life again, I am so very privileged to have you as a friend, there are many, many happy times ahead, I promise.  Your dad was a legend xxxx

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